Tomorrow is UAS. Sosiology and Physics. And well, I'm not studying tonight. NO. I can't foccus on what will I study.
You know what, I got my headache again. I can't remember when it exactly started but it's about 4 days ago. I always get a headache every night....and this one, I got it from this morning when I decided to study history. I don't know what kind of disease I have. Soooo painful. But I do hope it's not a serious one. I believe that I'm just too tired or something.
Heheeee I know what should I do for best is just take a rest. But don't know why......I have something to write. Here. In my blog. Because I don't know where should I tell my story if it's not to Allah, to my best friend Bagas, or to this blog. I think no problem to share my feeling here, no one would read because I am an unpopular person hahahaha.
Well, I got depressed. Stressed. Frustated. Today. I'm so full. So tired. I even thought to suicide and end up my life tonight HAHAHAHA......better if I die. I'm so sad, that's really not me. I feel like I'm loosing myself. I'm just deeply give up........I'm damnly desperate.
It seems no clear sky anymore. Dark clouds are everywhere. I feel like I can't be happy. I feel like I will go through this sorrow forever. I'm drowning very deep into the bottom of the ocean and I'm not sure there will be someone who'll help me. Why do every moment have to be so hard?
You know, all I want for now is just staying in my bedroom all day long, skip the school, do not come to the class, or maybe.......move to another school? Haha LOL. I think the last is not.
I'm so scared to go to the school, I feel like I wanna move to another school. Mmmmm I think the problem isn't at the school, but.........my class. I don't wanna come to my class! I'm so scared.......I was bullied by my friends so many times. I don't know what exactly my mistakes are, they just did it. I know that move to another school isn't a best solution. But at least, move to another class will.
Spend my days about 5 months here have been changed me into a very horrible girl. I became so quiet and silent. I didn't talk a lot. I've been bullied and now I know how it feels......it such really painful. I became an anti-social in the class. I got stressed, depressed, and frustated everyday. I cried in my room every night, hoping for never touch that place again. I ran to my friends in another class and started crying in every breaktime. I didn't get my grade. I can't foccus on what teacher is talking about in front of the class because the condition is so uncomfortable.
I became the most stupid student in the class. I skipped school so often.....I got sick. I got a great phsycology pressure and didn't wanna go to school so often (but I have a tour schedule sometime). I grew up being a bad girl. This place succesfully made me, HAHA.
I often skipped the class because I do being a committee in some events in my school. The job was very busy so I should skipped class so often. I left exams and tasks so much. I often don't know what I've left. They'd never told me about the exams or tasks.......even when I asked to them, they never told me. Wohooo, is it good to have a knowledge for your own and not let anyone to know, right? Goddammit, what's the benefit bitch, hahahaha.
I never played guitar and sang in the class like what I did when I was in junior high school anymore.....I'm just being a damnly silent girl. I choose the dance class for the art lesson (because I want to learn traditional dance and making a skill on it) so I guess my classmates even don't know that I can play guitar well enough....and I also can sing. I never showed up my basketball skill because they just underestimate first. Basketball? What kind of food is it? Does it important? Isn't score is everything? Well HAHAHAHA hell.
I also guess that they don't know I do have a part in literature.....yup, because they've made it for jokes. I called it talent and potency, they called it as jokes. They bullied me because of it......because of my achievements in literature. They laughed at me in Bahasa Indonesia lesson when I made poems or words chain. When I got into a competition which held by Badan Narkotika Kota Yogyakarta then succesfully passed and being "Duta Pelajar Anti Narkoba" they even called me "Pengedar narkoba." Does it..................?
I become a bad girl here. I'm getting worse day by day. I have no friends here. I feel so alone. Everyone is scary. I don't know what am I supposed to do.
But in the other side, I have so many kind friends out of the class like my Nila Pangkaja especially crew 35, catotel 15, baskteball team, MPK Teladan family, and committes of many events. And many mooooore lot of friends who love me still. I'm still happy for having them. They are where I could be myself. And I still thank God, in class I still meet very kind people like Chuzpy, Raras, Vio, Mooi, Sausan, Latifa, Nafil, Putri, Novi, Cempliing, Jimmy, and (sometimes) Atha. You guys are my best classmates.
The last thing, if I can't stand still here and got depressed again, I've decided to move to another class in the second term. I hope it will be a right choice and can bring a better change.....